Why is This in Our Newspaper?

Johnny Hart's obit was in the local newspaper last week. Monica saw it and wondered aloud, "Why is his obituary in our newspaper? He didn't live here."

We explained to her that he was a well-known person - which is enough reason for them to carry it - but that he was also the creator of the B.C. comic strip, which the paper carried.

Elvis Has Left the Building....

Well, not Elvis.... but CEO has!

No more of his stupid remarks and comments.....

Most people are happy. Monica and Squirrel - not so much.... Monica is no longer in HR - and has been moved from her office. Squirrel is afraid he might be next - with good reason.

So, we've been busy changing passwords, securing networks, rekeying locks and all that fun stuff. Most of that work is over, so we should be resuming our posts.

Dodo Leads the Board on a Tour

CEO (the dodo bird) led our board of directors on a tour of this building yesterday. He doesn't realize that it was just another nail in the coffin, so to speak. They took pictures of our outside wall that's starting to cave in (but according to CEO, that wall is fine), a support in one room is moving and has cracked the drywall (again, CEO says it's fine), and many other things that are wrong in everyone's eyes but his.

Some tidbits from the tour:

The president of the board arrived. Marilyn asked her to sign in and started telling her it was for safety in case there was an emergency. Before she could say it, CEO pipes in... "it's so we can identify the charred bodies if the building burns."

Another board member comes in carrying a camera. CEO looks at him and says without cracking a smile, "no cameras allowed." The board member had a confused look on his face. CEO told him he could take any pictures he wanted. Board member said it was so the board could have a record.

Same board member mentioned that he had just bought 8 gb of memory cards for his trip to China. CEO asks, "are you picking up a baby?"

After the board members left Monica asked how he thought it went. He replied, "do you have any marijuana?"

Remarks like this.... to the Board of Directors.... His friend on the board - who is a prior CEO here - didn't come for the tour... not sure how CEO functioned.... with the 2 of them sharing a brain....

The board president covered their ulterior motives pretty well. She walked into CEO's office (he had been cleaning it prior to their arrival) and asked if it was always that neat. Then she said she was going to come back unexpectedly in a few weeks and see if it was always like that. When the next board member walked into his office she recounted her comments to that person. If he thinks they're coming back in a few weeks to see if his office is neat.... he has no idea he's about to get the axe before that can ever happen.....

The person who will most likely be taking over .... is the person he's been trying to decide the best way to fire.... things have a way of working out.....

We get so excited about his impending removal from office that we sometimes break into the happy dance when no one is around! It's just not happening quick enough for us.....

Monica's Mad at Dad

Monica's mother died last year in another state. Soon after, her father starting dating someone and has now decided to get married. Monica has refused, to this day, to meet the woman. He had promised that he would wait one year before making any major decisions, that year is up in July. He's getting married in June.

He has wanted to sell the house for a few months, but needs Monica's and her brother's signatures. Brother is willing, Monica has been stalling to try to hold him to that one year promise. She realized that if he marries in June with the house not sold, it could affect how much she gets, not that the money matters (of course).

She says her big pet peeve is Person A (Dad) having Person B (brother) call to ask her to do something (this case), invite her somewhere, etc. Brother called to ask her to sign the papers. She was furious and told him that if Dad calls and asks her, she will sign.

Dad called while she was out (probably counted on that) and told her he would be at the house for one more hour and to call him. She doesn't have his girlfriend's phone number where he's staying most of the time, and was out longer than an hour. This was on Saturday.

On Monday, she gets a phone call from an attorney he's hired to force the sale who would rather talk to her counsel than to her, but is willing to talk to her. She calls and tells him to tell her dad to call her and she will sign.

On Friday, she gets a letter from the attorney and brings it in for us to read. Basically repeated the phone call .... but was FULL of typos. An attorney's letter. Grammatical errors. Spelling errors. Possessive errors. That's one attorney I would not hire for anything. I (Cat) wanted to get a copy of the letter, mark it up, and send it back to him when the whole ordeal is over. I've worked in a lawfirm. You do not allow such things to happen in that profession!

We hope this thing is over with soon.... We get tired of hearing about her dad and how she doesn't want to meet his girlfriend. And how he broke his promise of waiting a year for major decisions. Her mother had been sick and bedridden for years. At the end, I don't think she was even lucid. He was with her day in and day out. Let him enjoy life now....

Another Management Meeting Worthy of a Lawsuit

In today's management meeting CEO asked about New Year's Eve... General consensus - it was quiet for most - very few even had anything to drink.

Monica spoke up that she had a little bit of champagne.

CEO asked her if she got any "nookie" with that.... To which she replied, "only if it was immaculate nookie."

Monica's Unusual Art Collection

It must be her idea of an art collection because we can think of no other reason to save them and have them displayed on the filing cabinet in her office. We're prepared for the "yuks" "ewwws" and other comments!

As you probably know, Monica is our Human Resources person. That means she does the drug testing for new hires - and current employees if it is necessary. When you walk into her office it isn't unusual to see 2-10 little plastic collection cups of urine. She doesn't throw them out until she copies the test results for the files - sometimes this will take 2 or 3 months. The test results are on the side of the collection cups.

After she finally copies the results, she will go to the restroom to empty the cups. After it's been fermenting for months we can just imagine the smell! She then throw the cups away and starts all over again....

Will You Marry Me?

Monica got another marriage proposal from the guy in Canada. This time it was a direct "will you marry me?" not an indirect like he did last time. Unfortunately for us, she turned him down.

They've seen each other twice with the last time being almost 2 years ago. They talk on the phone and write maybe once a month. I jokingly (but wishing she would) told her she should be adventurous and jump right in and marry the guy.

She said her reply was, "but you don't know me. You don't that when I get mad I cry and then I start cussing." {She throws f-bombs in the office}

He said, "I'd go fishing."

The proposal came at a bad time, too. Her father, who lives a few hours away, is bringing his new girlfriend for Thanksgiving. This is the first holiday since her mother passed away after a long illness and Monica's refusing to go to Thanksgiving dinner. She's also letting her dad know in no uncertain terms that she is very unhappy that he's living his life. He stayed at home for a few years unable to do anything for himself because he was caring for her mother.

When her mother was living, every few months Monica would drive almost 6 hours to visit, stay a few hours, and drive back. Her mom couldn't communicate well, if at all, so she didn't want to stay overnight or for a weekend. She sure wasn't helping give her dad any relief then and now she's blasting him for not staying home alone.

Janitor Shares a Monica Story

A few people from other departments gathered in our department today dishing on Monica. They were close so it was not hard to hear what they were saying.

The janitor recounted a story about Monica. She was walking in the hallway behind Monica on day and saw a maxi-pad fall out of her pants leg! She made Monica aware of what had just happened because she didn't want to be the person who had to pick it up.

Pseudo-Tourette Syndrome

Monica makes this involuntary noise about 2-4 times per hour that sounds similar to a hiccup, only louder. She calls it "beeping". Several people have told her that it's a mild form of Tourette Syndrome. She immediately denies and dismisses their claim and won't ask her doctor.

Lately she has started saying that she has "Pseudo-Tourette Syndrome".

O Canada

Monica has a long distance relationship with a guy that she sees once every year or two. They call each other and send cards. His writing and grammar look like a second-grader - she blames that on him living in Canada because "that's they way they do it there." Sometimes he doesn't even put a name on the envelope - just her address.

They were talking on the phone and he commented that he wanted to meet her father and made a reference to "son-in-law". Monica ignored the comment and continued her conversation with him.

He interrupted her and said, "what do you think???" She told him she just wanted companionship & not marriage.

She came to work the next day telling everyone that she had a marriage proposal from the guy she likes, but never sees, but that she would never get married again.

Monica's Bitten by the Christmas Card Bug

Monica has been asking everyone for the last month about Christmas cards - specifically getting lists of names and asking opinions on the cards. Early on Cat told her that we could custom design our own card and have it printed for half the price, but she wasn't interested. She said that our CEO "really likes this one because it has a cut-out."

She bugged us so much about it that Cat finally went to the CEO and told him that we could do a custom card with an envelope for about 60 cents per card. He was intrigued by this because we can put our logo on it and it wouldn't be "corporate cookie-cutter" card. He also added he didn't have much of an opinion on the cards before but that Monica wouldn't like it because it doesn't have the foil inside the envelope. Then he gave Cat the task of telling Monica to not order the cards. Five minutes too late. She called the CEO and he told her to cancel the order.

She's sulking about it and started playing in Paint and PrintMaster trying to design something for the card. She brought it to show to Cat who wasn't impressed with it (and somehow refrained from laughing out loud). Cat told her that the card has to be designed in Photoshop throwing in technical terms Monica would not understand and that what she was doing wouldn't import.

If she hadn't been coming in 3 or 4 times a week bugging us about the cards - she would have gotten her way.

Monica's Weekend

Monica reported to us on her weekend. She sadly had no offers like last weekend, but "I did get a hug from this guy I really like at the bar. But he has issues. I think he's an alcoholic."

Way Too Much Information

As I'm typing Monica, who is in her late 30s, is at the front of our department recounting her weekend at the bar.

A 67 year old man offered to have sex with her. She's talking about kissing his moustache.

Now it's something about two men laying her across their laps and bouncing her up and down. One of them tried to kiss her.

IF you were going to allow yourself to be subjected to such behavior would you come in and announce it to the entire office????

Did She Really Say That?

Monica was doing a new employee orientation this morning. As usual, she brought the new employee to each department for introductions. When she got to the CEO's office, she introduced him as "the head honcho dude"!

Part 1 of 3 .... Moving Bodies

Monica's mother recently passed. Monica was off work for a week and had to travel quite a distance. After Monica returned she was telling Marilyn and the Dog that her father chose a very sturdy and expensive casket for her mother. He did this so that if Monica and her brother could have the casket moved to another location in the future if they choose to do so.

Marilyn did not miss a beat. She immediately said, "It costs about (can't remember the number) to have a body moved. I should know. JoeJack's mother just moved his brother's body. He was shot and killed when he was a teenager."

Monica commented that she probably would not move her mother's body and walked away.

How inappropriate!!!!!!

New Products on the Market???

Marilyn's newest discovery is her "Club Cadet" mower. She's had it in the shop for warranty repairs, so we've heard all the phone calls. It has to be hard for them to keep a straight face on the other end of the call as she repeatedly says "Club Cadet" instead of "Cub Cadet".

There have been some unhappy moments with her mower. Somehow when JoeJack took it in, they switched the owner to him instead of her, leaving the extended warranty in her name. She had that fixed quickly!!! JoeJack doesn't own that mower, she does!

Wilma's newest discovery is "Vidillia Onions" - are these Vidalia Onions crossed with a dill pickle? The onion rings in my lunch order were huge (too huge), when she saw them she said, "those look like those vidillia onions."

So.... next time you "visitate" your local store - you can check for these items. If you happen to find them, let us know!

Visitate - Monica was feeling lonely in her office since the CEO hadn't been in his adjoining office, so she was going to go visitate with another department. (No.... she doesn't speak Italian....)

Monica Should Go Back to Grammar School

Monica walked in our department today wanting to know if we would miss the old-fashioned paper cutter if she took it to her office for awhile. She said the scanner doesn't like papers that are "hand-cutted".

Are You Sure That's Where It Is?

Monica has joined one of the popular internet dating sites. She was showing me, The Cat, her matches. For some odd reason most of her matches are IT Professionals..... She said they told her she is "very intelligent." We now question the intelligence of that particular site.

She kept talking about this one guy from city in Arkansas that she couldn't pronounce. I didn't see anyone from Arkansas but was able to determine who he is.... I asked anyway, "Who is from Arkansas?" She pointed to the guy from Juneau, AK .... I told her "that isn't Arkansas - that's Alaska, Arkansas is AR." I also told her how to pronounce Juneau.

She questioned me as to if I was sure it wasn't Arkansas. I told her Arkansas is AR. Good thing she doesn't work for the Post Office!

I suppose she doesn't remember learning the state capitals in elementary school.....

(At least she was pronouncing Arkansas correctly!)

Improper Disclosure at Work

Monica came in the office today and started talking about the skin tags and mole she had removed from her neck on Friday. Did she stop there? Nnnnnnoooooooooo.....

The Cat had to listen to her sharing WAY too much, "I wanted to have them removed in case I ever have a man kissing me on my neck. They gross me out and I can just imagine how much they would gross a man out."

In case????? Does that mean she has done the proper thing and ended her relationship with Clinton ....... or is he the "in case" reason? Maybe it was he who suggested they be removed.... hmmmmm......

Take a Load Off

Monica was having "random bathroom thoughts" (her words) while in the restroom. She was in a stall while Wilma was "warshing" her hands. All of a sudden, Wilma heard Monica exclaim "I know what to do!" She was having an insurance problem before she went to the restroom and figured out a solution to her problem while visiting the facilities. Brings a new meaning to "take a load off" doesn't it?

Wilma & Monica came out of the restroom together.....laughing.....and re-told the story to anyone around that would listen. I, of course, listened so as to post this for your viewing pleasure.....

The Dog