Wilma Eats Her Words and History is Repeated...

Sequel to http://random-acts-of-stupidity.blogspot.com/2006/06/fred-is-crying-and-begging.html (and, if you want, http://random-acts-of-stupidity.blogspot.com/2006/06/i-love-your-motorcycle-not-you.html)

We're sad to report that Fred's crying and begging worked. Wilma took him back - in fact they spent that weekend in a motel about an hour from here. Then they started staying in a motel here in town because Wilma's mother wouldn't let Fred move back into her house. Wilma told her that if she was so worried about Fred and what might happen to Bam-Bam, then she should let him move in so she can keep an eye on him. Mom finally relented, but Wilma is searching for a place for her, Fred, and Bam-Bam to live.

Wilma also had the court date for child support continued. We asked her if she had noticed a pattern that every time a court date was imminent and Fred could go to jail that he always begs her to get back together. Her reply, "Yes, but I love him too much." We try to tell her that love in itself isn't enough. "But Bam-Bam wants his dad." "It's different this time." Whatever.

He offered to go work for "Bob" - but Wilma doesn't like "Bob" and told him he couldn't go work there. We told her that he's getting exactly what he wants. Court is continued so he doesn't have to pay or go to jail. He doesn't have to work. She's paying all of his living expenses.

We suspect that when these court dates for child support can't be continued any longer that Wilma gives Fred the money to pay then the state sends her the money back as child support from him.

We told her that when Bam-Bam grows up and starts treating women the way she's being treated that she can't say she doesn't know why - because she's taught him it's OK and normal. She said "He won't do that. He's a good boy." Yeah - right.

Our guess.... Off-again by end of summer at the latest.

Christmas in June...

Marilyn must be making her Christmas wishes. Wilma pointed out yesterday that she was wearing Christmas socks.

Help Us Test the Me-Me-Me Syndrome!

In a conversation with my friend in the newspaper industry she suggested that we try our test again to see how many turns before Marilyn turns a conversation, in some way, to herself. We've decided to open the floor up to you, our readers.

Leave your suggestions of zany topics in the comments section and we will try our best to work them into conversations - please - do keep them clean. This is a business environment even though it is steeped in stupidity! Be patient - we will have be creative with segues or have one drop in our lap as it did yesterday.

We will post results as we have them.

Thanks!

For new readers and those who may not remember - check out http://random-acts-of-stupidity.blogspot.com/2006/03/my-brother-is-so-big.html. It can be amazing to watch her work her magic sometimes!

We Could Have Won a Bet....

A quote from us about Marilyn:

She can turn a conversation about which Zambia and Zimbabwe universities have the best squash teams to herself in 2 turns or less.

For full post see http://random-acts-of-stupidity.blogspot.com/2006/05/marilyns-favorite-subject.html

Today.... we finally had a chance to test our theory. We should have placed bets with our readers before the test - because we would have won. But... neither of us are gamblers.

I, The Cat, answered a phone call a few minutes ago. The caller was inquiring about a container he had shipped to West Africa - we don't ship containers to West Africa - or anywhere else! I was finally able to get through to the guy that he had the wrong number (he was insistent that he did not.) This brought up the perfect opportunity since the conversation was on this guy and Africa.

I have a friend in the newspaper industry, so I cheated just a little and said that my friend had to do some research on squash in Zimbabwe and Zambia. I told my friend a few weeks ago I was going to use that as my excuse to start the conversation. Marilyn didn't need 2 turns to say something about herself.... the FIRST words out of her mouth:

"I watched that before. It's weird. "

Then it was on to....

"We were watching soccer the other night, too."

After this, I had to answer my phone so The Dog continues the post from here.

She then proceeded to say that JoeJack's nephew used to play soccer until he broke his arm. She then recounted the story about the nephew breaking his arm and that they have to keep 10-15 pounds of pressure on it and something about his tendons. (As you can see, I was not really paying attention to her at this point.) The story ended with her saying something about him possibly needing corrective surgery to repair the tendons in the arm. I then walked away.

Toot Toot

This morning Marilyn told someone on the phone when they got to the back door to blow their horn and she would come outside. A few minutes later she walks to the back door "Did anybody toot? Let me know if you hear somebody toot and I don't."

We wanted to just start laughing because we each have older family members who use "toot" as a euphemism for a bodily function.

Marilyn Loves Double Entendres

As we've mentioned before JoeJack is a "contractor" - Marilyn's term for handyman. JoeJack was working on their deck and needed a drill extender so he could drill the holes while standing. JoeJack calls Marilyn to call a local tool rental shop to see if they have one. He knows that she flirts with the guys there and can get him a better deal than he can get on his own. And ... that means he doesn't have to make the phone call.

She called the shop and they did not have one. She laughs and proceeds to tell the shop owner that now she gets to call JoeJack to tell him he will have to "screw on his hands and knees".

Marilyn's Phone is a Required Accessory in the Restroom

Marilyn made a point of coming back to her desk to get her cell phone on the way to the restroom (a semi-regular occurence). After coming back from restroom she informs me that JoeJack called her.

She told him to let her finish what she was doing and that they would talk later (mind you, she's in the restroom....)

He says, "talk later? You mean play later?"

She says, "no, talk later, let me finish what i'm doing."

He says, "you mean play later?"

This banter continued for several minutes before she got him to hang up. She recounted the story and said that he kept talking stuff ..... and then smiled & said "sexual stuff" ..... as if I couldn't have guessed that anyway & as if I wanted to know!!! She told me, so I had to post it!!

If the wrong person had walked in .... could have been big problems for her and the company!

The Dog

Marilyn is a Child Care Expert???

Stormy's daughter came in talking about her child from h@!!. Marilyn was very quick to give child care advice. They discussed time outs, grounding, standing in the corner, and other forms of punishment for when the child hits his mother. Marilyn of course is more than happy to give out her opinion on child care since she is so "experienced" in these matters.

Ha Ha. Marilyn is CHILDLESS-by-choice. She has never wanted kids - that would interfere with her me-me-me syndrome.

Snort Snort

A member of the safety team had not arrived for the safety meeting so Marilyn picked up the phone to page the person. She snorted before she paged. People cheerfully pointed this out to her - she denied doing it.

Let's see.... At least 60 people heard it.... That denial is another one of those lies she doesn't tell.

Marilyn's Bionic Nose

Marilyn is feeling better now that she is taking a daily allergy pill. She also says she's smelling better and says she can "smell the dirt in the office." She also decided that it wasn't body odor that we sometimes smell on a semi-regular visitor to the department - but that his clothes are soured and he needs to put a teaspoon of bleach in the water before he washes them and makes sure he dries them well.

No one else can "smell the dirt" nor do they think soured clothes are the other problem. Her bionics are messed up.

Marilyn thinks that if she doubles the prescribed dosage she will feel (and smell!) even better. We told her that she could have bad side effects if she does this. Maybe she'll call her doctor about it before she does it.

We thought that when she started feeling better, she would shut up about her health, we were wrong!! She tells us if she feels better or worse than the day before and why.

Fred is Crying and Begging

Fred called Wilma last night. He was crying and wanted her to meet him, but she would have to strip down naked so he could make sure she wasn't wired to tape the conversation to use it against him later. (Wilma often tapes their conversations to use in their many court hearings - and taped this phone conversation as well.) Wilma told Fred that she knows the skanks he's been with since they split up and that he would NEVER see her naked again!!

He denies being with any women - even though they answer his phone when Wilma calls him.

He called her back pleading for her to meet him at the park to talk. Fred is having issues in his personal life and Wilma is pretty sure that he won't be around to bother her for awhile.

It's also time to go to court (again) over child support he hasn't paid so he's trying to get into back into Wilma's life so she will not pursue it. It's worked for him in the past. Hopefully she's learned and will not be so gullible this time.

Heartbroken Squirrel

If haven't read the backstory about Squirrel dodging a baby bullet ... read here http://random-acts-of-stupidity.blogspot.com/2006/06/squirrel-dodges-bullet-and-considers.html

It was announced today that the Stormy's daughter got engaged over the weekend. We thought that relationship was over but apparently they reunited.

Squirrel's going to have to stay with his current girlfriend or find another replacement because in his mind you can not go for more than one day without a girlfriend.

Are You Sure That's Where It Is?

Monica has joined one of the popular internet dating sites. She was showing me, The Cat, her matches. For some odd reason most of her matches are IT Professionals..... She said they told her she is "very intelligent." We now question the intelligence of that particular site.

She kept talking about this one guy from city in Arkansas that she couldn't pronounce. I didn't see anyone from Arkansas but was able to determine who he is.... I asked anyway, "Who is from Arkansas?" She pointed to the guy from Juneau, AK .... I told her "that isn't Arkansas - that's Alaska, Arkansas is AR." I also told her how to pronounce Juneau.

She questioned me as to if I was sure it wasn't Arkansas. I told her Arkansas is AR. Good thing she doesn't work for the Post Office!

I suppose she doesn't remember learning the state capitals in elementary school.....

(At least she was pronouncing Arkansas correctly!)

Prequel to the Motorcycle Saga

Why did Fred show up at the end of the motorcycle transaction the other day? ....... Wilma knows that Marilyn has a big mouth and that JoeJack and Fred sometimes work together. Things that Wilma tells in confidence to Marilyn gets to Fred via JoeJack on a regular basis. Even knowing this, Wilma just can't help telling Marilyn stuff.

Wilma told us that she told Marilyn that she was selling her motorcycle but gave the time as a couple hours later than the intended meeting time. She did this so that if Marilyn told JoeJack about it he would tell Fred the wrong time. Sure enough, Fred showed up, but at the end of the transaction!!

Sounds like there's a lot of pillow talk going on! Wilma never confronted Marilyn about this, she just had the satisfaction of knowing she pulled one over on Marilyn, JoeJack and Fred.

If you haven't read what happened at the sales transaction, see http://random-acts-of-stupidity.blogspot.com/2006/06/i-love-your-motorcycle-not-you.html.

You Made Me Sick!

Marilyn loves it when other people are sick. She ALWAYS gets the same sickness - or so she says! When anyone walks through her area with even the slightest sniffle, she gets out her big can of Oust! spray and will spray it all around her work area and spray it at the person sniffling. She will tell them loudly to get out of her area with their germs because she does not want to be sick. Then a day or two later, she will be sick (not really, she just says she is) and blames that person. This happens on a regular basis.

She sprays someone down almost daily and we are all tired of inhaling the Oust! spray. Mrs. C finally had enough of it yesterday morning. Marilyn was complaining about a sinus infection and being sick so Mrs. C said "I don't want your germs!"

Mrs C went to the janitorial closet, retrieved a can of Lysol, then sprayed Marilyn. It was hilarious because Marilyn had just sprayed someone else down with Oust! and the 2 sprays combined made her choke and gag. It was great!!

Hypochondria Alert!!!

We think that some of Marilyn's problems are just in her head and that some of the time she may have allergies. JoeJack thinks that the doctor did something wrong during her recent sinus surgery/nose job. She finally went to the doctor and got a prescription for a daily allergy pill. Within an hour of taking it she was already saying she felt so much better. This pill is not an immediate relief type of pill. It is more of a maintenance pill. It takes more than an hour after the initial dose to feel that much better.

Mrs. C also agrees with us. She has known Marilyn for over 15 years and has recognized a pattern. When Marilyn is not getting enough attention at home, she all of a sudden is suffering from all sorts of medical problems, her favorite being sinus problems. (If they were really sinus infections, she would go to the doctor. Several times a year The Dog gets severe sinus infections & after seeing a doctor and taking medicine, it goes away!) We believe that once in awhile she really has a sinus infections because she goes to the doctor at those times. We are empathic when she is REALLY sick, but come on, enough is enough!!

Stinky Stinky Marilyn

Marilyn was recounting a conversation that she had with JoeJack a couple of nights ago. Marilyn can throw up for any reason. She often pukes (or so she says) every morning because of her sinus drainage/allergy problem/(we say hypochondria).

Anyway, she and JoeJack were discussing this and the fact that odors often make her sick, including her own "bathroom odors". He couldn't believe that and told her that no one's own stink could make them sick. She informed him that it could, because hers has made her throw up before. Come on, why do we want to hear that first thing in the morning?!?!?!?

And, no, she's not pregnant - she was "spayed" many years ago.

These Aren't Matches!

Wilma went into a store to buy matches. She paid for her purchase then later discovered she had bought incense instead.

Even if the boxes are similar in size, don't you think you could tell the difference?

Does She or Doesn't She?

This morning Marilyn was saying that she and JoeJack do not drink and haven't for the past 2-1/2 years .....hmmmmmm..... We remember a conversation last summer about a party they threw where there was drinking involved ..... We also remember a few months ago she told us about JoeJack's mother coming for dinner and we know at least she and his mother had wine ..... And very recently she was talking about getting bottle of wine.

If you drink occassionally .... say so especially if you're the one bringing up the subject. Don't say "I haven't drunk alcohol in 2-1/2 years" ........ that's just a lie!! ...... and this is from the person who swears she NEVER lies......

Squirrel Dodges a Bullet.... and Considers Jumping in Front of Another One

For the past couple of weeks Squirrel has been fretting over his girlfriend. (background ... they lived together for a couple of years & when he got custody of his children from previous relationship there were some conflicts so he made girlfriend move out ..... they broke up for a day but she did not move back in .... they have been living apart for a few months now...) The girlfriend went to the doctor and was told that she might be pregnant so she gave Squirrel an ultimatum ..... MARRIAGE!!!!

He has been freaking out and confiding in a couple people at work that he feels he can trust. (it's open knowledge now...) He even went to his tax advisor to see how getting married would affect his tax return. As it turns out, girlfriend's hormones were all messed up and she is not pregnant but now wants to try to have a baby.

Squirrel thinks that maybe he will get rid of her and find someone else. In fact, he thinks that Stormy's daughter, who also works here, is "HOT" .... (they say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.) His current girlfriend is 10 years younger than him and Stormy's daughter is even younger. He's looking for trouble if he wants to date a co-worker, especially one whose mother AND father also work here! If that relationship fails he will have to face all three of them on a regular basis.

I'll Cover For You, Then I'm Snitching!

Last Friday found only Marilyn and Wilma working in the department and today they were laughing about something they did, so we made them confess so we could share it with you, so here goes:

Wilma told Marilyn she was going on break - which means she was going outside to smoke so Marilyn needed to answer any phone calls. Then Wilma forgot to go outside! She lit her cigarette and was smoking while sitting at the reception desk. Marilyn hears Wilma squealing and comes out to see what is wrong. Wilma had realized what she was doing and was shouting "It's raining outside, what do I do? What do I do???" Apparently she came to her senses enough to take the cigarette outside. We're not sure if she finished it or threw it out.

Next, they see the CEO coming to the department so Marilyn grabs the Oust! air freshener she always has at her desk (another story we need to share) and starts spraying to try to cover the smell. It worked because either the CEO did not notice the smoke smell or he assumed it was coming from Wilma's clothing (or his own!)

About 15 minutes later Marilyn goes into the CEO's office laughing as she confesses the entire scenario. He must have laughed about it, too, because she was laughing as she told us.

The office went smoke-free long before Wilma became an employee so this wasn't a situation of a recent policy change and her lapsing into an old habit. It was just another random act of stupidity!

I Love Your Motorcycle, Not You....

Fred's stupidity...... Fred and Wilma are off-again. Wilma owns a motorcycle but cannot ride it herself. She decided to sell it. At the end of the transaction Fred showed up at her house (which is another story) begging her not to sell the motorcycle. He claimed that they could work out their problems and get back together. He told Wilma that their 5 year old son Bam-Bam loves the motorcycle and it would break his heart if she sold it. Wilma told Fred that if he couldn't love her without a motorcycle, then he couldn't love her with the motorcycle.

Fred walked over to the man buying the motorcycle (who witnessed the entire conversation) and told him that he was buying a piece of junk. Fred told the man that he had sabatoged the engine. Now come on, would you beg your ex-wife to keep a motorcycle that you had sabatoged so that you could ride it?? The man didn't think so and purchased the motorcycle anyway. (He checked it out and couldn't find anything wrong with it.)

Fred then proceeded to tell Wilma that he should just die because he didn't have anything to live for. What about their son and his other kids/grandkids? Are they not worth living for?

Does this sound weird to anyone else? Fred promises to love Wilma if she keeps her motorcycle and when she sells it he wants to die. Does Fred love the motorcycle more than Wilma? We think so.

Will You Hold, Please?

Marilyn was on the phone with our phone company. She was placed on hold so she put the phone on speaker. In the meantime, Marilyn forgot she was on hold and was running around the office and going outside to check a company van. The woman from the phone company would check in occasionally to say she was still there. When she came back the final time, Marilyn had forgotten about the call and it scared her when the woman started speaking.

She told the woman she forgot she was on hold and even that she had been away from her desk a few times. The woman told her that a couple of the times she had come back on the line she heard Marilyn talking in the background and didn't say anything. We just hope Marilyn was not talking to JoeJack during those times because we would not want a vendor - or anyone else - to hear some of those calls!