How Do You Spell That?

Marilyn often spells her name for people. Her name is spelled the "normal" way, no need to spell it. Why would you need to spell out a last name as simple as "Smith"?

Fiber Helps You Breathe???

Marilyn had been having sinus problems and had been taking Mucinex. (Surprised? We think not.)

She walked in an office and said she felt better and could breathe because her Metamucil was finally starting to work.

Today is Declared a Dictionary Day....

as in... some people need one for pronounciation.... These are regular occurences, not a one-time slip of the tongue....

Wilma's recent:
"You had SALman for dinner?" (salmon)
"That kid was picking burgers from his nose" (we won't go there!)

Marilyn:
"That's a good ideaL" .... that was actually typed in an IM ... was it an ideal idea?
"Do you watch progrUms on Nick at Nite?" (programs)
"We have a crick in our front yard" (creek)
"Turn left on WaRshington Ave." (you know....)
"I waRshed the car yesterday." (it's not just the proper name that gets the "R" added)

That's all for today's lesson. Watch for more Dictionary Days coming soon.

That's a Magic Pen!

Jessica was walking down a hallway and had a pen in her hand. Limberger asks her what would happen if he took the pen out of her hand. She looks at him and tells him that her clothes would fall off.

Limburger turns beet red and walks away.

Do You Have the Time .... Zone?

A few weeks ago Jessica came in and asked what time zone we are in.... Does she also think that "Chicken of the Sea" is chicken?

Two employees who willingly admit they don't know what time zone they live in! We wonder how many more are just too embarrassed to ask!

P.S. Jessica also said that Nick didn't know, either. Nick doesn't work here, he's just married to Jessica.

The Dog

What's Wrong with Your Nose, Pinocchio?

Marilyn will often make the statement "I never lie. I always tell the truth." She will emphasize never and always.

A few minutes after one of these statements she admitted she would deny seeing something if asked about it - by anyone.

Is this going to call for another nose job? Is that why she had to have the last one?

You Don't Send Me Flowers.....

Another sinus surgery/nose job epic...

Marilyn was mad because no one from the office sent her flowers (personally or from the company) when she had her ELECTIVE OUTPATIENT "nose job". We didn't send Roseanne flowers when she had either of her stomach staplings.

And if the boss thinks he's getting flowers if he has a hair transplant - he should think again!

It's a Pleasure to Serve You

Speaking of Marilyn's sinus surgery, which she referred to as "my nose job" - we heard this story way too many times:

Marilyn went in for her follow-up visit and the doctor removed the gel packs he had in her nose. She said she took a deep breath and told the doctor, "Thank you, I can breathe again." She says the doctor's response was "No, thank you. It was my pleasure." Not sure we believe that one!

We think Marilyn would be able to breathe if she would just stand up to JoeJack and tell him to quit smoking inside. She brags about how she tells him it's her house. The Cat told her that if JoeJack really loved her, he would not smoke around her, since, according to her, he knows it causes her problems. At first she agreed but then blew it off by saying "I've been around smoke all my life. My daddy smoked."

What does Daddy smoking when she was growing up have to do with JoeJack smoking now? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Working 9 to 5.....

A man who had not worked in 10 or 12 years due to an accident came in to apply for a job. While waiting for HR he was chatting witha woman in the waiting area. She told him she thought it would feel strange going back to work and would be hard getting up early after all those years if she were in his shoes.

Marilyn was at the front desk for something and interjected herself into their conversation saying, "I know it will be hard. A couple of months ago I was off 5 days for sinus surgery and it was really hard to come back to work."

Only Marilyn....

P.S. We're glad that phase of talking about her sinus surgery is over. That dominated ALL of her conversations for a month!

My Brother is so Big....

A few months ago a client passed away and was the subject of a conversation the next morning. Marilyn, who has a knack for turning a conversation to her, starts sobbing and says, "my brother is sick and he is so big that when he dies we won't be able to get a coffin big enough for him."

Let's see.... someone with whom we have a close business relationship passes away - and she steers the conversation to her brother who is still living, but will die one day, and she's worried about getting his coffin.

We're glad she wasn't asked to give the eulogy ..... one could only wonder what she would have said .... "we will miss Mr. T so much, but not as much as I will miss by big fat brother when he dies 50 years from now, let me tell you about him...."

Only Marilyn....

Wilma Grows a Tail???

Wilma had been back from the restroom for a few minutes today when Roseanne came into the office and noticed Wilma had 8 feet of toilet paper trailing her.

Is That a Bachelors, Masters, or PhD?

Marilyn was divorced a couple of years ago after 25 years of marriage. She says that the judge issued her a "divorce degree."

She has been using her divorce decree like a degree and counseling other women at work on how to get out of a marriage and take everything with them. Oh - and how to tap phones to catch them in the act. We will elaborate on Clinton, Hillary, and Monica later.

More characters to enter the picture.....

No Bones About It

Marilyn was talking about someone's broken "fema" and how it would be hard to break one.

When did the Federal Emergency Management Agency have a leg bone named after them?

That Printer has a Phat Beat

Marilyn was talking to Wilma about her printer. She needed a new toner but could not remember if Mrs. C had ordered a toner or a drummer.

What she really needed was a toner and a drum... But maybe she wanted a hot drummer in a uniform.... (She has a fascination with men in uniform - any uniform.)

Did You Know That Tears Can Laugh?

Roseanne walked up behind Marilyn & scared her (totally an accident). Marilyn screamed and started laughing, then she said, "you made my tears havin'.....laughing tears...."

Those were her exact words.... she meant you made me laugh so hard I started crying..... talk about a Marilynism....

The Dog

"Um" is short for "Good Morning"

Marilyn answered the office phone "um".... she totally forgot what she was doing.....lucky for her it was someone that she knew calling in......

The Dog

Presto! Jeep Converting to Cadillac???

A few months ago Marilyn was having some work done on her Jeep. She said the problem was with the "Cadillac converter" - maybe the Jeep doesn't want to be a Caddy.....

Cleaning with Pizza....

Marilyn does Accounts Payable... Pizza had been ordered for a company meeting.... She charged the expense to Janitorial Supplies....

Seems to us that would make it messier than it was before you started cleaning.

The Cat

Longing for the Good Ol' Days

Marilyn loves to watch old TV shows that she watched with Daddy while growing up in Dairy Farm Country.

She watches The Rifleman because he reminds her of her Daddy.

The other favorite is The Long Ranger. We're guessing it must have been Daddy's favorite.

Is She or Isn't She

Marilyn said today something she has said a few times. "I am not an animal lover."

Marilyn has a dog, 2 cats, and a few birds. She will be almost giddy talking about bird eggs and when they are supposed to hatch. After they hatch she will come in telling us all the moves of the baby birds and Mommy & Daddy.

She will beam while telling us stories about Buell (the dog) and the cats. One cat she has had for years, the other she "bought" with the house - previous owner left it - and Marilyn couldn't stand to see it without food and water. We had a co-worker who agreed to take it, but Marilyn could never seem to find the cat to bring it in, so she just decided to keep it.

Now, you decide. Is she an animal lover or not?

The Cat

Wilma Sings Karaoke

At a recent staff gathering Wilma (and other staff) sang karaoke. Wilma sang a song which essentially says "I like having sex with you, I like the fact that you do drugs, don't have any self-respect, and will get so drunk & drugged that you pass out."

One very flamboyant male staff member was giving lap dances to a few women which made the husband of one recipient not very happy.

At a COMPANY party!!! No standards of conduct for these two!

The Cat

Bridesmaid Marilyn?

Today Marilyn is wearing cream color casual pants, a brown blouse (unbuttoned to there), a brown/beige crocheted open-weave sweater, and a pair of shimmery bridesmaid-type shoes. Second time she's worn them this week.

A few minutes ago Wilma asked Marilyn "Are you wearing the shoes you got married in?"

Terrifying Beast Wears Necklace!

Marilyn has a dog - we'll call him Buell (sort of a clue to his real name). Marilyn had this to say about Buell:

"He don't like mindin' too good."

She & JoeJack took Buell to obedience school - but never took him out of the car. Marilyn said he was trying to attack another dog through the window and she figured Buell would "eat him alive."

Marilyn's dog & cat do not wear collars. They wear necklaces.

Please do not confuse Buell, her dog, with The Dog in these postings!

The Cat

King Me

Wilma saw a headline on the web about Coretta Scott King's death. She then asks "Who was Coretta Scott King?"

Much to our surprise, Marilyn answered correctly with Martin Luther King, Jr.'s wife. She must have watched the news that morning.

The High Point of Professionalism

Marilyn was working the front desk when someone came in for a job interview. Marilyn says "OK... I'll holler at him."

Would you want to continue with a job interview in this place?

The Dog

Calling Mr. Webster...

Marilyn was involved in a presentation in front of 50+ co-workers. In the middle of her presentation she rolled her eyes at a comment made by someone in the audience and said "you can'ten do that."

What exactly is a "can'ten"?

Can You See?

Yesterday Marilyn told me about something so that I would not be "blind-sighted" by it.

Isn't that an oxymoron?

The Dog

Got Water?

Marilyn indicated that she "quests" water often. For those of you who do not understand Marilynisms - she's thirsty.

The Dog

Quack-Quack

My office was too hot. Marilyn said we needed to close the duck.

How do you close a duck, I wonder.... Tape its mouth shut so it can't quack???? And how will that make my office cooler?

The Dog

Storms A-Coming!!!

Thunderous sounds emit from her butt every time Stormy bends over much to the delight and dismay of her immediate co-workers. Delight - they laugh. Dismay - they smell.

This phenomenon of nature happens many times daily.

The Dog

Paging Security to Hallway 2 ... Security to Hallway 2

We've often had to increase security measures depending on the status of Wilma's marriage/relationship with her on-again/off-again ex.

This is a man whom she will let move in while she has a restraining order against him along with a pending suit for child support.

Marilyn Plays Peek-A-Boo!

Marilyn doesn't know how to sit properly. She often wears mini-skirts and will sit with her legs wide open.

The Dog unfortunately got a crotch shot when Marilyn spun around in her chair. Squirrel would think this a fortunate event - he enjoys these and invents reasons to talk to Marilyn.

The Cat hasn't had this bad of an experience. She's only had to see the back of the thong while Marilyn was sitting and bent over to pick something up from the floor.

Marilyn will also bend over to get something out of a lower file drawer instead of stooping down (while wearing aforementioned mini-skirts). The men probably enjoy this view. The Dog, Cat, and Mrs. C do not.

Shaggy Clocks In

Shaggy walks in the office today asking "what time zone are we in?" Shaggy has only lived here ALL of his 20-odd years.

The Cat

Mr. Kotter Makes an Appearance

Today Mr. Kotter asks for a paper clip - which I hand him. He then says "I'm clipping some papers together and giving it away. Is that OK?"

Let's see.... Do you really expect to get paper clips back????

The Cat

Wilma was Driving Miss Daisy

Wilma & Marilyn were having a conversation in which Wilma said she "drooved" somewhere. Marilyn continued the conversation as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Mrs C, on the other hand, heard the conversation and was thoroughly confused.

That's a "Sooty" Address

Marilyn called our insurance agent one day to change the address of a branch office. She proceeds to tell the agent that we moved next door and are now at Suite (pronounced as Soot) 450 instead of Suite (again - Soot) 400.

Vaulted from the Recesses of our Memory

Marilyn says that we could have an earthquake at any time because we are on top of a "vault-line"

Our Cast of Characters

A quick synopsis of our characters follows. After the main characters - the others are in alphabetical order.

Marilyn thinks she's a blonde bombshell - and she's 50 and wears mini-skirts & low-cut tops!

Wilma has red hair and that's all we will say...

Clinton is the husband of our co-worker Hillary

Hillary is a co-worker whose husband, Clinton, is supposedly having an affair with Monica, our HR person.

Jessica (as in Simpson) can be one of those ditzy airheads.

JoeJack is Marilyn's "contractor" boyfriend (self-employed if that's what you call it because he has his "own company" - nothing illegal, but he sure isn't a real contractor - more of a handyman)

Limburger is a male co-worker who often stinks.

Monica is our HR person and is said to be having an affair with a co-worker's (Hillary) husband (Clinton)

Mr. Kotter is actually a she and an educator

Mrs. C is a sweet lovable mother

Nick doesn't work with us. He's Jessica's husband.

Roseanne - Need we say more?

Shaggy - Skinny dude with a scraggly beard

Squirrel is a short skinny squirrel of a man who thinks he is God's gift to women (only) and loves to flirt with Marilyn. (Don't tell JoeJack!)

Stormy emits thunderous sounds

Stormy, Jr. is Stormy's daughter and also emits thunderous sounds. She is also the Runaway Bride.

First Unofficial Post...

Just in case you stop by before we get started - we will be memorializing some of the stupid antics/sayings of some of our co-workers in a non-descript small town somewhere on planet earth.

Stop by often and be amused or dumbfounded as we often are....

Names will be changed to protect the guilty - and our jobs!

The Cat